Morning by morning, Your Mercy awakens my soul

Yes. If it wasn't for God, I would not get out of bed.

It's so wonderful how we can find God in the tiniest of details. How do we let moments like that slip us by so quickly? how DARE we not even look up for a tiny second to realize that God is RIGHT THERE in whatever we're doing, in whatever else we're investing our attention on?

Friday I thought I was supose to have a session with my therapist. I really had a lot of things to tell her. So many things on my mind, I've been stepping in shaky grounds lately. (I am learning the TRUE meaning of Psalm 40:2 "He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.") But alas, that did not happen. The phone never rang to comfirm my appointment, and I was left the whole weekend with topics and rants bubbling up inside of me and no form of release.
Last week, I decided that it was time to stop everything and make sure that God is #1 in my life. I made a list of my priorities and checked if all was going smooth. It was not. There were so many weak points, things I should be doing that I'm not, things that I shouldn't be doing but I am. Looking down at that list made me feel so unorganized, so unprepared. "No more," I said, "First things first. God MUST be my top priority. God MUST be my #1. When He is, this list will start organzing itself simply because God is a God of order."
Of course, we all know what happens when we decide to seek after God FULL FORCE. Satan starts wanting to get his tail in, to trip you, to stop you. Oh boy, these past few days have been TORTURE. First, I noticed myself falling into and old pattern that took too much time and too much effort to break. Then, a whole bunch of stress started infiltrating my schedule. And last but not least, everyone seems to be mad at me for some reason or other. I'm not stupid. I KNOW that when I decide to take up my shield and run into battle, the adversiery will be alert, and attack. I MUST be strategic. I will NOT allow anger, frustration, and bitter desperation to hinder my walk with God.
I've never really been an angry person, but lately it seems so easy to get pissed off and just be ANGRY. Angry is such an easy emotion, and makes you put other true feelings (or things you need to work through) up on the shelf. No wonder so many people resort to living a bitter life. It's easy, it's simple, it avoids pain, it allows survival. Kill or be killed, right? But how much can you take before you ultimately self destruct? The bible says that it's okay to be angry (Ephesians 4:26) but that in that anger we must NOT allow room for sin WHATSOEVER. Yes, anger is a legitimate reaction to stress, to attacks, to pain, to the thought of ultimately unraveling, but it is NOT a legitimtae excuse to blame the world and shield yourself from it. I know what it's like to be angry with God. It's no picnic. You feel so incredibly stupid for even THINKING about being angry at the almighty sovereign ruler of all, and your only hope. But in my anger, even in this anger that I feel RIGHT NOW, I run to Him. I'm begining to understand that there is no one else for me. None but Jesus. In my anger I won't sin. I REFUSE to sin.
Today I realized that all weekend I barely picked up my bible. Not to mention I skipped church on Sunday to sleep in. Still God saw it fit to speak to me. He told me of something He wants desperately to inspire me with, and how I've been putting it off. He spoke to me of the wonderful revival He wants to start in my youth group and how He wants me to be a part of it. He taught me of frienship and love and patience. He even allowed me to cry bitter, angry tears in his presence for hours yesterday. Can you believe that after crying about being lost and confused, after yelling SCREAMING at God that I feel like I'm coming apart, like I'm coming undone, He DARED to bless me with His presence? He came into my room and I just cried in His presence. I cried tears I had fought for so long. I spoke truths I thought I could hide in the depths of my heart. I have no words to explain what happened next. He just let me cry, and then He gave me peace. I closed my eyes and it's like I could feel him calming me down. Pretty soon I feel asleep, and I just rested in His presence.
I woke up with swollen eyes and a heart that felt hollow. I had dumped it all on God, and he listened, He let me know He cares. I got up, washed my face, and went on with the rest of my day.
Today I decided to spend some time with God after waking up. I basicaly delighted myself in Him. The phone rang and it was from my therapists office, I have an appointment today at 2. (Delight yourself in the Lord and He will grant you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4)

God is getting ready to do some amazing, miraculous, mind-blowing, breath-taking things in my life, and I know it.
Satan is getting ready to do all he can to knock me off course.
But we both now that this battle has already been won.
I WILL walk away victoriously, because I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
and there is NOTHING impossible for God.

-Cheizi

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11